Today I went home. I had not been in a very long time, and I was not sure if it would feel like it was still mine. There were people there who weren’t a part of my home before I left it. There were others who had been central figures that were gone, like they were erased from a family photo a-la “Back to the Future” style. But thankfully, my Father never left, and it was home as it should be.
I moved out of my parents’ home when I was 18, eager to make my way in the world. Convinced that I would make a new home, I did not care to properly process my old one. My new home would be everything my old home wasn’t. I was so sure of it.
But. Then.
I was years past being on my own, freshly wounded from a break-up, managing a retail store in SC when the unforeseeable happened. I lost my apartment, my bank account, and my ability to function as the adult that I had come to be. I packed my belongings, furniture, and food, and brought them all back to my parents’ home in Kannapolis. It was there, sitting in my old high school bedroom, surrounded (more like crammed) by all the contents of my previous apartment, when it struck me. Hard. This is not my home. It looked like my home, and used to be my home, but it was very, very different.
My home had signs of my achievements. My home was full of hope; not regret. My home shown all of what I hoped to be, not what I was limited to become. My home was…. not in my control at all.
And so it is with our Lord. NOT in our control. But thank God, HE is in control. I won’t go on the “His ways are higher than our ways” (Is 55:8-9) rant, nor will I sullenly say that “I praise Him in all circumstances” (1 Thes.5:16-18), because sometimes I just get mad that I don’t understand. But I will say that His WORD is True (Jn 17:17). And I will confess that I am impressed upon by His faithfulness, and it causes me to have pause to believe. And so, it becomes. A growing faith of “I will believe because, I know who You are, and not anything to do with who I am”. So Yes, and Amen, all those I just had trouble with, I know will come to pass. Even if my mind doesn’t confirm it.
But what do you do in the interim?
Between the actual faith-building, and faith-fretting? And let’s not pretend – we fret. As my therapist will continue to repeat (yes, a Christian woman), feelings cannot me mandated, but behaviors can. What exactly does this conclude to?? Well, that we have total control in the name of the Lord Jesus in all that we are concerned and disposed to, even when we feel we don’t. Faith is not a feeling. It is a decision.
So, in deciding my tomorrow, I choose to strive for the Abrahamic belief (Gen 15:6). Sounds side-wonkers crazy, but God said he would have the future nations. Not just a special child, but literally be the father of a nation. #seriously?? Let’s not even talk about the humanistic limitations on this guy. But limitations are no matter to a Living God.
My faith-building moment today? That Abram chose to believe. And that choice, a complete weighing of human opinion, he selected to put his hope in God. Even though it didn’t make sense. Even though it was bat_blanketyblank crazy. Seriously. Let’s get some perspective on the promise presented! It was so outlandish, and inconceivable! Yet our God of all Nations can do as He pleases. So, Abraham believed. And it was credited to him as righteousness. I want that too.
Prayers and Petition 